DETROIT — In a move that industry analysts are calling “absolutely f**king feral,” the CEOs of Ford and General Motors have agreed to settle the future of Jeep and Dodge through a televised, oil-slicked arm-wrestling match scheduled for Labor Day Weekend at the abandoned Silverdome.
The match, dubbed “WrangleMania I,” will see Ford CEO Jim Farley and GM’s Mary Barra enter a steel-framed ring wearing sleeveless North Face vests and American flag bandanas. The winner takes full control of Jeep and Dodge, while the loser must publicly admit Tesla might be kind of cool now.
“Lawyers are slow,” said Farley while doing grip reps with a cinderblock. “Real power is measured in forearm veins and generational trauma.”
Sources close to the event say the match will be officiated by The Rock (pending SAG-AFTRA approval) and feature musical performances by Kid Rock, the surviving members of Creed, and a hologram of Lee Iacocca doing burnouts.
GM spokesperson Tami Densler confirmed Barra had already begun training with retired UAW fighters and one mysterious nun from Hamtramck. “She’s on a strict diet of protein bars, electrolyte sludge, and vengeance,” Densler said. “Jim’s gonna leave with a limp wrist and a respect for mothers who lead.”
Meanwhile, Stellantis — the current owner of Jeep and Dodge — has reportedly agreed to relinquish both brands to whoever wins, stating, “We honestly forgot we even still had Dodge. This feels fair.”
Corporate sponsors for the match include Monster Energy, Cracker Barrel, and a mysterious local guy named “Slick Ron” who sells car parts out of a trailer behind a Little Caesars.
Fans can purchase ringside tickets for $75, or a VIP package for $400 that includes front-row seating, a signed piston, and a commemorative jar of authentic Detroit pavement.
No matter who wins, the loser will be forced to take over Chrysler.
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