DETROIT, MI — In what district officials are calling “the most Detroit solution possible,” Cass Technical High School will host a live, genre-bending musical battle between Jack White and Big Sean to determine who the school will be renamed after.
The event, dubbed “Cass Clash: Battle for the Name,” will take place next Friday in the school’s parking lot, which will be transformed into a flaming amphitheater of civic pride and distorted guitar solos.
“Look, we couldn’t decide between two hometown legends,” said DPSCD spokesperson Myesha Lattimore. “So instead of holding a boring vote or a community forum where nobody shows up but Brenda from the PTA and two angry Facebook dads, we said f*** it — let them fight.”
The Format:
- Jack White will play an experimental 14-minute slide guitar solo using a homemade copper wire amp plugged into a toaster.
- Big Sean will perform a freestyle backed by a 60-person marching band, DJ Drama, and a surprise cameo by Jhene Aiko gently whispering affirmations into a mic.
The event will be emceed by Trick Trick, and judged by Aretha Franklin’s hologram, Tee Grizzley, and a 10th grader who “knows music real good.”
Cass Tech Students Have Mixed Opinions
“I’m team Big Sean all day,” said junior Darnell Price. “He made ‘I Don’t F*** With You’ and I still play that before math tests.”
Others disagree. “Jack White once made a guitar out of a Coke bottle and a wooden plank,” said AV club president Maya Winters. “If that’s not Technicians energy, I don’t know what is.”
Tensions Escalate as Campaigns Begin
Big Sean has already put up digital billboards reading “Detroit Vs. Jack White,” while Jack White reportedly responded by releasing a cryptic black-and-white short film titled “School of Rock (But For Real)” in which he stares at the Cass Tech building in slow motion while painting over a Big Sean mural.
The school board says the winner will be decided based on “musicality, crowd reaction, and ability to inspire both college readiness and creative swagger.”
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