MELVINDALE, MI — In a long-awaited and oddly heartfelt press conference this morning, the City of Melvindale officially confirmed decades of rumor: the city is indeed named after two distant cousins, Melvin and Dale, who “couldn’t stand each other.”
City archivist Janet Polanski opened the statement:
“Yes, the rumors are true. Melvin Hartsfield and Dale Kowalski co-founded the town in 1923 after a heated argument over where to put the bowling alley. They haven’t spoken since.”
Melvin was a quiet factory foreman with a passion for concrete, while Dale was a used car dealer known for selling cars with “spiritual damage.” Despite their differences, they somehow agreed to combine their names, though not their values.
“It was either Melvindale or ‘Industrial Feelings,’ and honestly, we dodged a bullet,” Polanski added.
Residents are now petitioning to hold an annual “Melvin & Dale Days” festival, featuring a chili cook-off, a grudge match cornhole tournament, and awkward cousin-themed activities.
The city also confirmed that the cousins’ last recorded interaction was in 1946, when Dale allegedly keyed Melvin’s Model T over a dispute involving lawn darts and a woman named “Lorraine.”
One local summed it up best:
“Honestly, this explains everything about Melvindale.”
