“It was cute until middle school. Now it’s just cruel,” says 17-year-old Owen.
WIXOM, MI — In a heartfelt but painfully overdue legal filing, local teen Owen Sixteen, born in January 2009 and named in “honor” of the Detroit Lions’ winless 0-16 season the year prior, has officially petitioned to have his name changed….ideally to anything else.
“My dad was like, ‘It’s a Lions tradition!’ and my mom thought it sounded poetic,” said Owen, now a senior at Walled Lake Western High School. “But every time I get called in attendance, people think it’s a joke or some kind of weird prophecy.”
According to court documents, Owen’s birth certificate lists his full legal name as Owen Anthony Sixteen, a name bestowed upon him after his father, a lifelong and emotionally damaged Lions fan, lost a bet in a Ford Field parking lot in December 2008. The child was born just three weeks after the Lions wrapped their infamous winless season, and the name stuck.
“I thought it would be a funny story one day,” said Owen’s dad, Todd. “But now with the Lions actually being good, it’s like… embarrassing. He deserves a fresh start. Go Lions though.”
Since then, Owen has endured years of trauma ranging from substitute teachers raising their eyebrows, to classmates chanting “ZERO WINS!” whenever he walked into the cafeteria.
“I don’t even like football,” Owen admitted. “I’m more into cross country and anime. I didn’t ask for this legacy.”
Owen’s attorney, who is also his older cousin and a Wayne State law student, filed the paperwork Monday. Owen’s top name choices include:
- Just “Owen”
- “Alex”, because “no one bullies Alexs”
- And “Amon-Ra Sixteen,” in a full-circle attempt to reclaim his Lions fate
The Wayne County Court is expected to approve the name change in the coming weeks, assuming no objection from Lions fans still weirdly nostalgic for the Calvin Johnson era.
Meanwhile, in unrelated news, a toddler in Sterling Heights has reportedly just been named “Jared Goffrey.” Please keep him in your thoughts.
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